I Don’t Want a Penpal!
It happens all the time! You meet someone that seems great on match.com or whatever site you select. You begin to email each other and you sense you have a lot in common. The emails get longer and longer and you begin to get bored! You rush through the message just to see if he ends it with asking you out and he doesn’t. If you just wanted a penpal you could date a prisoner or someone across the country. But this time you find someone within 20 miles of you and he doesn’t seem to want to come out of the computer.
Here is my remedy…
- Before you even start chatting with someone take a good look at their profile and not just the pictures. If someone has a profile that drags on and on I disqualify that person. If you are bored in just reading their profile I can assure you this person is likely going to go back and forth for quite a while with chatting.
- The initial email sets the tone and needs to be quick, friendly and funny. Don’t share your life story in the first message. If their profile shares something funny laugh and tell them why it made you laugh. They can read your profile if they want to dig deeper.
- Never ask questions like… how was your weekend? This is just an opportunity for someone to babble on and on. I mean who cares how the weekend was. You really just need to connect and the best way to establish a connection is to move it off the internet. Long winded questions are going to keep you on the internet longer.
- Avoid small talk! Have a handful of fun questions to ask your match. I call this “Big Talk” and here are a few fun questions to get you started…
- What did you have for dinner?
- What is the last article of clothing you bought?
- What is your favorite room in your house?
- News or reality TV?
- Fix it or hire someone?
These questions are far more fun and telling than asking someone how their weekend was!
5. Ladies it is just fine to initiate contact with a potential match but I would stop at that. You found them and you started the chatting. Sometimes you need to do that because your potential match may not have ever come across your profile. But after that it is up to the guy to ask you out. If they are too shy or unsure then this guy really isn’t worth dating after all. You can drop some friendly hints but don’t go overboard. We all know that the secure guy that we want to date likes a little chase. So don’t make it too easy for them.
If match is not working for you it could be your profile, your attitude or your initial emails. I have done so many match.com makeovers and would be happy to give you a quick, free tip anytime! Just email your username to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Never Date this Type of Guy!
You have met the perfect man! He professes his love within days of contacting you. He has an amazing career, survived a big tragedy in life (typically the death of his wife), he adores children and always wanted a family, he buys you nice gifts and works hard to show you how close the two of you are. He also claims he rarely dates but there is just something so special about you.
You finally believe that love might not just be a fantasy. You find it refreshing after all the jerks you have dated in the past. It seems a bit fast but you have rationalized that you deserve this and you believe that you are special! You avoid sharing too many details with your friends because you sense they will discourage you. You feel a little uneasy but want this to work so badly that you fall into a huge state of denial!
Over time things just aren’t adding up. While you feel very comfortable in that new dress he bought you the stories he shares are not so comfortable. When you try to ask for clarification he gets annoyed. You question why his name doesn’t come up when you google him. I mean, if he owns his own law firm wouldn’t that show up? He always changes the subject to the love he feels for you but you are starting to wake up! You realize he is a complete con artist!
Why is he conning you? What does he want? Many women fear they are in great danger. In some cases this is true. But more likely he is going to ask you for a credit card down the road. He is booking a flight for a big vacation and needs your credit card information to hold the reservation. He may claim to have lost his wallet or been in an accident. These folks are typically pretty savvy and have become experts in manipulating women. They tap into your vulnerability and use it to their advantage. Some of these men are just complete sociopaths. Their entire motive may just be to have a relationship but because there is so much shame in their world they don’t know how to do this without conning you. The reasons don’t really matter! What matters most is that you get out safely or never get in this situation to begin with.
So after reading this I hope you will gain some insight on the men to avoid. But I will break them down for you.
- Find out every man’s full name and google them. If nothing comes up assume it is a fake name!
- Do NOT talk about love before you actually know a person. It is unhealthy and in these situations very dangerous.
- NEVER share your personal information with them. They do not need to come to your house initially and if they use the excuse of needing your address to send you flowers just say NO!
- Don’t accept the gifts. Seriously he is not going to be so distraught if you tell him that you love the bracelet but want to wait until things progress before you accept it. Otherwise when you try to end it he will use the gift as bait to contact you again.
- If the relationship has progressed and you know you are in deep, just end it. Try to do it with as little drama as possible as these men typically like the drama.
- If they keep texting you have your cell phone company block them. And do not reply to them in any way, do not ask a friend, ex husband or father to tell them to back off. This will only add fuel to the fire.
- If you are seriously afraid contact the police! In Connecticut you can file a report for harassment or stalking. Second degree harassment includes contacting a person with the intent to annoy. So don’t ever think that something is too small to report!
Lastly, please stop blaming the internet dating sites or men in general. You need to take responsibility for being safe, making healthy choices and believing you deserve the best! I met my husband on match.com 11 years ago. I had 13 well screened dates! None were stalkers and none harassed me. The only guy that ever lied to me told he was 5’8 when he was really about 5’4. It was the shortest date I ever had! Nothing against short guys really, just my personal preference.
How to have a good dinner date
Don’t want to go out with you but I will have sex.
Or I’ll play house with you and stuff but I won’t have sex.
33% of all divorce filings mention Facebook
- Guys that were never going to cheat get tempted
- Prowlers are like a kid in a candy store
- Don’t even start a light flirtation
- If someone starts to flirt and give you attention and could destroy your current relationship
- Just end these relationships
Girls that say I’m never dating again
- Change the way you think
- Compare to your worst tragedy
- Don’t sweat the sex, you can find that
- Don’t be a doormat
Where Should You Get Dating Advice?
- Don’t get advice from miserable drama queens
- Don’t get advice form the hyper supportive friend
- Get Advice from your honest friend
- Don’t always run to your friends for dating advice
- Listen to your own intuition
Why Internet Dating Works for Some and Not Others
Jaimy Damon, and Gina discuss why internet dating works for some and not others
- Negative beliefs
- Lazy Searchers
- Don’t dive deep enough into profiles
- Talk about when to take your profile down
Must I Respond to Every Match Email That I Get?
My answer is no! I hear this debate constantly. Surprisingly I hear more men whining and complaining about this then I do women. And I must say that a nagging, whining man is just not very sexy! So guys please let me put this in perspective for you!
- First of all so many of the guys literally write a 5000 word essay in that âabout meâ section. Internet dating is so time consuming as it is. If you honestly expect us to read the long boring profile and then take the time to respond and tell you why we are not compatible it is just not going to happen.
- We are internet dating here. It is understood that you likely sent 25 messages to 25 different women. It is not as if we have some deep meaningful relationship that warrants any type of closure. No response means we are not interested. So please donât even keep track of who you send to and you wonât need the closure.
- Responding to you and telling you why we are not compatible only opens up a dialogue that we donât want to have. We donât want you responding trying to rebuttal our decision and believe me this does happen.
- Do you really want to experience the excitement of seeing a message in your inbox only to get rejected moments later? Trust me we are saving you some grief.
- It is my guess that these complaining men are window shopping and only writing to the women that are total tens. Usually those profiles are fake and will respond asking you for a credit card. Come back to reality and say hello to the cute girl next door and things might change.
- And lastly, (this is harsh) if you are continually getting rejected and ignored stop dodging the bullet. The real issue isnât that women are rude and not responding! The real issue is you! Perhaps you are only seeking women that are not in your criteria, perhaps your profile has 7 typos, or maybe you are not smiling in any pics. It could be anything. Figure it out before too much more time gets wasted.
Personally I think internet dating is fantastic. And there are many great men and women out there. I recently mentored a client through her first match.com experience and helped her screen 100âs of profiles. We found many great guys in the end. Some responded and some ignored her. Honestly, we only paid attention to those who responded and didnât give it a second thought. It is a lot of work but well worth it in the end. I am one of those match.com success stories and am glad Blazman responded to my message 11 years ago. It does work!
Looking your best when you’re dating
Jaimy, Damon, and Gina talk about looking your best.
- Don’t just say they need to love me for who I am. Be your best.
- Be unique
- If there is something that you don’t like about yourself make it work or change it if you can.
- Finding someone goes beyond your exterior shell.